I do not have anymore strength to wait for love

I am a hopeless romantic woman since forever, I guess most of us have been. And why not, we have grown up reading and listening to stories of eternal love from Radha-Krishna to Heer-Ranjha and Laila-Majnu. None of them could unite in the end but their love for each other was pure and unconditional. I always imagined a Heer-Ranjha love story for myself except I wanted a happy ending. But as I grew up, I realized this could come true for anyone but me. I have read somewhere, there are three types of love in a lifetime and each one is for a specific reason.

The first love is the kind where it looks right. It’s the feeling which needs validation from the world. It may happen in school or college. This is the ideal love, the kind which we read in books. 

The second is the hard love. It comes with a lot of pain, suffering, betrayal, lies and damage. I still am getting goosebumps writing about my experience with the mistake of my life. Well I am calling it a mistake now, but I didn’t call it a mistake then. I fell in love with a man who abused me emotionally to such an extent that I destroyed myself. I was already a severely depressed person. I have had so much going on in life when he entered into my life. He handled me when no one else could, but little did I know he was filling his emptiness through my pain. I flew all the way from India to US, not just for work, but he was one of the biggest reasons. He was like a drug for me. I was killing myself if he was close to me and I was dying when he wasn’t. It took me three attempts, one psychic unit hospitalization, hallucinations and hyper vigilance to get over his toxicity. I was devastated. I died every moment at work because I had to see him every day and work with him. He not only made sure to make my personal life difficult but created a lot of barriers in my professional life as well. I managed to tackle all of them, but with a cost of my life and my mental health. I survived physically each time, but I was dead mentally and emotionally. I loved him like I haven’t loved anyone else. I breathed his name every moment. I couldn’t get him out of my system. Getting over him is the hardest thing I ever have to do in my life. Eventually, I stopped loving the mistake of my life. Though this journey made me stronger than ever. I can take absolutely anything in life. But I had to pay a price for this journey. The price of a hard and unusual past which was difficult for people to accept specially when I am trying to find love. I know you all must be wondering many people must be depressed and everyone has a past. But once I would come out with my complete story, you will understand why I said what I said. Like I mentioned earlier, once a person goes through mental illness, it’s a lifetime responsibility. It can relapse any time if not taken proper care. Life manual of a mental illness survivor is way too different than any other person. I often fight with God, why do you even give me hopes when you know I am not ever going to get love in my life. I have prepared myself very well to live alone and I am completely fine with it. I guess I am God’s favorite child, so he keeps on giving me false hopes.

The third love is the love that lasts. It comes in our life unexpectedly. It comes to us so easily that it’s hard for us to believe. I thought I have met my everlasting love. But have I? Or this theory of everlasting love is not for me. 

He is everything I have been looking for. He is kind, generous, simple and a beautiful human being. He knows everything about me, and he lets me be. He wants me to express my feelings without any fear. Little did he know, what storm he was inviting into his life. We met; we had a great time. But I could sense a distance on the last day. I may be wrong, but I felt that distance, that hesitation ever since the last day till today. I have started falling for him. I can hardly breathe or eat or sleep or do anything in the past few days. I felt a connection with him. My instincts are always right. I have been getting this feeling even before I met him that something terrible is going to happen in the coming days. He was supposed to be the most beautiful thing that has happened to me. Because he accepted me the way I am and he could handle me, comfort me during my low times. We were supposed to be together, but I guess he is already gone. My mind is constantly juggling between these two thoughts. He wants to get rid of me, but he didn’t say anything to me because he is too nice. Or I am overthinking and nothing like that is going on with him. He wants to give this a chance.

Imagine, dealing with this kind of thought process for every moment for the rest of your life. This is what mental illness does to you. It breaks you every moment. So today I pray to God, to not test my strength anymore because I do not have any. I can deal with anything or any hardship in my life. I can devote my entire life to the love of my life. But will I survive this journey of meeting the love of my life; carrying the relationship to a level where I can name it, I can call him the love of my life. I do not have any more strength to wait for the love of my life. 

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