I am unable to breathe properly. It’s been almost 24 hours since my breathing is not deep, its shallow. This is not the first time I am experiencing this feeling. But the strange part is, this breathing is different. I wouldn’t name it as restlessness or anxiety like it has happened before. This is genuine sadness. One must be wondering what kind of sadness doesn’t let you breathe properly. Well, everyone experiences sadness in a different way.
I am living alone for a couple of years now. People often ask me — isn’t is lonely? Don’t you need someone in the home to talk to. In my experience, you feel lonelier when you cannot connect with the people living in the same house. I have lived a large part of my life feeling lonely not because I lived alone but because I feel it is impossible for someone to contain me because I have too much to offer, I feel too much, I have so much to share. I love too much, I don’t know how to love someone conditionally. My feelings, my love is intense. And I am not just referring to love in a romantic relationship but to all sorts of relationships in my life.
I watched the grand finale of talk show #WeTheWomen. Barkha Dutt is the host of the show and she invited Bhatt sisters — Alia Bhatt and Shaheen Bhatt. Here is the link if you want to watch it https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_9MDHdUo_Q&t=1645s. Shaheen Bhatt has written a beautiful book — “I have never been (un)happier”. She has described her journey of depression. I moved to tears after watching this and I keep on watching it on a loop sometimes for hours. I could very well connect to her journey. Everyone’s journey is different, but deep down we can connect with each other because we can only understand these feelings if we have been through it. Shaheen has expressed one thing very beautifully — “I need to talk to someone who can contain to what I have to say”. The moment I heard her, I immediately realized what feels missing to me.
My therapist often tells me that we are all humans. Even if my friends or family members may not be able to respond the way I want them to, they care for me and love me so much. I need to tell them what I expect from them. I have tried a million times, but somehow each time it goes wrong. And when I say it goes wrong, I don’t mean to say that they don’t fulfill my expectations. They give me more than I expect them to and I love them all. But after I share with them, their response triggers me. And then the thought that the most important people in my life becomes a reason to trigger me saddens me more. I love them from the core of my heart but the fact that I cannot share with them and the moment I do, it triggers me. It scares me that I will lose them. I know that they love me, and they are doing the best they can, but what do I do? Somehow each time I fail to explain them that I just need you to contain what I am saying. Just absorb it, please don’t advise or draw conclusions or ask me to be careful. Because all it does is make me regret that why I shared in the first place. I know and sense that they often feel that I don’t listen to them. But I don’t need to listen to anything in that moment. I just need to take it out of my system, and I can only do that when they absorb to what I say. I need to get that vibe from at least one person. No matter how strong I have become with the help of my therapist to cope up with it independently. But I am human and sometimes I need someone to share that burden with.
Unfortunately, it happens each time. In order to get it out of my system, I talk to them and I end up stopping in between. As a result of which, the content I wanted to share multiplies with other thoughts. I begin feeling that this is the reason I don’t share with anyone because I know I can’t be completely honest with anyone. I am terrified by the thought of not being able to share with anyone, for no one can other than my therapist can absorb to what I have to say. I know she is trained for this, but I cannot depend on her for my lifetime. No matter what they feel about me, they would never leave me because they love me as they are my friends and my family. I wish I can tell them how exhausting it becomes to go through these feelings, and I try really hard to distract myself and that working out or distracting myself to other activities is not that easy. Still I fail to work out or distract myself and I need them to tell me it is okay if you just rested and I understand, and you can come to me and express whatever you feel. I am tired of the ways to explain this to them.
Loving someone and spending the entire life is a big decision and in my case he has to strong, patient and willing to be able to contain all my pain. I am sad because I finally met the guy with whom I didn’t feel alone. I wasn’t uncomfortable in his presence because he is probably the first person who lets me be. He lets me express how I feel. He lets me and he wants me to. He understands me even when I don’t say a word. But will he be able to love me. Will he be able to absorb my emotions? Maybe he is an extremely good human being who is kind with people like me or he himself has gone through similar feelings. Maybe he or no one will be able to love me for who I am. I told him I am falling for him. But will he be able to contain me. Maybe he or anyone for that matter would need a more stable person in his life with whom he can be himself rather than handling her like he had to do for me. I am sad since the moment he went back to his city after we spent the time together. I am sad because I want him with me every moment. Because I miss the warmth I felt with him when I would hug him or listen to his heartbeat in his arms. And I am scared I may not be able to feel that again because it may be impossible for him or anyone ever to absorb me and my pain.