I switched off the lights and lit the candle. The sweet fragrance helped me sleep better, at least that was what I thought. Yellow flowery curtains on the window were shining in the light of the candle. I always sleep on the left side of the bed. I closed my eyes listening to my favorite music on the laptop kept by my side. He suddenly stepped on the bed, held my hands and choked me. I squirmed for hours, but he would not stop. My pillow soaked with tears. He choked me until I gave up. He stopped when he could not do anything more. I was lying on the bed almost unconscious, hardly able to breathe. I got up after a few minutes and had some water. I replayed my favorite songs and cried myself to sleep.
Every day, he does this to me a number of times and I cannot stop him. He went away for a long time, but now he is back. Though he never promised, he has been with me since forever. I remember his presence since I was a kid. The only difference is that his love for me has become intense as the time passes by. Earlier he would come and just stay like everyone else for a short period of time, not choking me or disrupting my daily life or making me unable to breathe. But now he almost kills me, chokes me for hours — not hard enough to actually kill me. I cannot breathe properly. I do not recognize that version of myself after I become normal.
But you know, what separates him from others is his loyalty towards me. I cannot say goodbye to him because he never leaves my side like everyone else. I hold on to him because no matter wherever I am, he bounces back to me. I do not feel lonely because he is the only one who stays without any promises, he checks on me without any reason, unlike others. And now I realized that I feel comfortable with his presence in spite of everything else because he is my PAIN. My pain is the love of my life because he made sure to be with me when no one else was. I can be myself with him, I can cry, I can scream, and I can express myself without any editing. I do not feel the need to talk to anyone else when I am in pain. It does not tell me that I connect everything psychologically because it understands that every human being feels it differently. It never tells me that everyone has issues and you need to deal with it, you are strong. I choose my pain over anyone else because it allows me to be vulnerable and needy, though I know that one day it would not stop until my breath leaves my body, at least I would not be alone. So, let me hold on to it because it always stays.