The damage is done but it did not stop me

My heart just pounded. I am feeling the same heaviness and discomfort in my chest, the same pit in my stomach; which I used to feel all the time during my tenure in Baltimore. 

The toxicity around me was killing me slowly. I felt trapped in a bubble which is filled with chaos and negativity. This bubble was invisible to all. The vibes of people around me added fuel to the fire which was capable enough to burn me in that bubble, but not enough to destroy me completely. I begged the pain to stop.

My hands are trembling while writing this down. Seeing those names on social media, hearing about those people from others in a random conversation, does this to me. While I do realize that I am completely over him, his memories do not affect me anymore; he didn’t give me the closure because he was looking for closure himself. But I don’t know why the thought of others still impact me to this extent. May be because I still haven’t got my answers as to why they made it worse. Irony is, they don’t know they made it worse.

Each time I struggle with these feelings, I fail to get any answers and I probably never will. I wish there would be a way to burn or block these memories forever. But I know I have to live with this. The damage is done. I can only hope to stop feeling this way, that one day these memories won’t affect me anymore. I am glad about one thing though; I know that I was being prepared for the greater good. I would not have become this strong without the journey. So, I am happy because I know the purpose of my existence. I am proud to be who I am today!!!

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