Mental Health

The fear of relapsing into depression

I am a mental illness survivor. I had hit rock bottom and then bounced back to life. Three months back I thought I am out of it completely. Like my therapist says, our brain needs to be rewired. All of a sudden, my entire thought process took a U-Turn like I’ve always imagined it to be. I felt I was born again. But I was wrong.

I have an amazing relationship with God. Whenever I feel that now it’s the time for a new beginning, God gives me a new challenge. Like it is said – We plan, God laughs. With a new zeal, I moved from Baltimore to Tampa. I was under assumption that I am leaving behind the inhumanity I witnessed in Baltimore.

Unfortunately, for Indians, it’s best to ignore a mental illness patient because if they attempt suicide, rather than supporting them, they should be left alone else it may cause legal troubles for them. And if the survivor dares to question their behavior, they are told that they should be thankful for getting the basics like including them for a conversation or taking them to the hospital for other than mental illness.

After surviving the illness, it’s difficult to imagine that I will ever be loved by someone. Truth is, for every survivor, chances of relapsing are high if proper care is not taken. In midst of all this, even if someone comes and tell me that they love me and that they would never leave me, it’s hard to believe them. And when it’s hard to believe, it scares me that I am relapsing to depression again. This entire thought process becomes a vicious circle and I end up getting anxious again.

But the only thing which keeps me going is the support of my therapist. I personally believe my inner circle who are my support system should talk to the therapist as well how to handle me. No matter how much they love me, sometimes the thought that they would leave me chokes me. I know they won’t, but my past gives a space to my doubts.

I personally am thankful to my therapist who didn’t give up on me even when I gave up on her. If I can get through this, anyone can. The only requirement is a good support system like I have in the form of my therapist and my friends.

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