Vicious cycle of Unresolved Grief

Every human being suffers some kind of loss in their life at different stages. “The response of loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed is Grief.” There are different stages of grief – Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. It is necessary to resolve or address grief to prevent further damage to the soul.

In India, some places have Rudaali tradition. Rudaali Ladies are a group of professional mourners who arrive at the funeral. The impact of their mourning also compels other people at the funeral to cry. I am not commenting on the tradition, but trying to emphasize on the fact that addressing/resolving grief is extremely important.

Grief can not only be an outcome of the death of a loved one, it can also be caused by loss of any kind of relationship. There is a famous quote – “If you don’t heal what hurt you, you will bleed on people who didn’t cut you”. Knowingly or unknowingly, sometimes we hurt each other because of unresolved conflict or grief and it becomes a cycle within the society. Death of a loved one can cause severe depression and it affects the whole family causing damages to people around them, if grief is left unresolved. Break ups in serious romantic relationships often leaves a scar. Partners suffer from complex emotional detachment. When they don’t heal properly, they bleed on others by entering into rebound relationships. This creates a vicious cycle of unresolved grief causing a lot of pain and emotional damage.

It is difficult to understand the implications of this until it comes from our own experience. I was asked a question, few days back that why people do not move on and think constantly about people whom they lost as a result of a conflict or differences. It may not be a big deal for the one who left, but it can cause severe damage to the other one depending on the individual and their personality.

I have a very intense personality. I dive into thoughts very deeply. I am extremely emotional and I give pieces of myself and it shatters me to the core because it doesn’t bounce back. I attract these people very easily because I have so much love to offer and they somehow find comfort and peace in me. But every single time, I am on the receiving end of their unresolved grief and they take away pieces of me. I first started living away from my family 10 years back. Since then, I have lost so many pieces of my soul. I bounce back every time with grace, but I often wonder if I will ever get those pieces back.

There are so many people like me in our society. Unfortunately, some of us are constantly on the giving end of immense love and empathy and not on the receiving end. With each piece of the soul, we need to actively work on healing ourselves so that we can be prepared for the next journey. Each journey creates one more scar and one more painful memory which we want to desperately delete. Other people in this journey move on and do not look back. We end up suffering a lot and go through a painful process to absorb and heal. Some scars create damage to such an extent that there is no point of return.

I am often called as ‘stupid’ from my own family and friends for getting into trouble each time. What they do not understand is that this is who I am. I can change the choice of people I allow to enter my life, but I cannot change my intense personality. Either way, suffering is inevitable because most people aren’t healed and they end up bleeding on people like us.

So let us start healing ourselves first. Let us not sabotage the life of people who love us. Let us spread awareness on the importance of healing to end this vicious cycle of grief.

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