I do not want a “constant” in my life

I feel I have always been deprived of love since childhood. My brother always feels that my parents love me more than him but what he does not know that I do not need just their time. I need them to understand me, I need them to know how I feel. I need them not just to worry about my physical health, but my mental health as well. I need them to understand that I will be able to focus on my weight and physical health when I am mentally fit.

I need them to stop thinking about what people comment on what I write on my blog and what they feel about my weight and what age should I get married. Because none of that matters if I will not exist. If these concerns are love, then I do not need this love, my brother!

My survival instincts, trauma, and my ability to understand the pain made me an empath. But being an empath is not easy. Not just in the family, but outside as well I feel I am always at the giving end. Not that I do not have good friends. I have amazing friends. I have been lucky enough to have angels around me at every step in my life. Some are in the form of Nikita, Reva, and Pooja Bhabhi who wiped my every tear and are ready to give away anything for me.  Some are in the form of warriors like Gundeep, Anchal, and Tripti who never let my guard down. Even when it was, they made sure, I was protected.

All of them are my people. They are constantly on my mind. I think about them all the time. I worry about them all the time. I know, I cannot save everyone. But I can and will do everything or anything to save them. I love them from every cell in my body, just like my own family. Because they were my family when my own family was not with me.

Now that my parents are here, they do not need to call me anymore. This is when I realize the pain people feel that one day your parents would not call you and ask if you ate because one day they won’t be there. One of my friends once told me – “Meghna, you need a constant in your life”. Since then I think about it. Will I always be on the giving end in that relationship too like in any other relationship as well? I know this statement will create chaos. I feel bad when for days, no one contacts me to ask me if I am ok unless I post on social media a post which indicates them that I am not okay or otherwise. I feel unwanted when I am the only one to contact most of the time. I know this might not be fair of them, but this is how I feel and I cannot help it, maybe because I have not received that love in my romantic relationships or from my family. My friends are the only source now where I expect. I feel bad when I wake up and there is no missed call or text waiting to know if I am okay. I am not alone in this house, I feel more lonely than before. I cannot scream in pain or cry when I want to. But then I can see the faces of all of them. Am I going to lose them too? I have had these conversations with some of them. But my “emotional” nature becomes too much for them sometimes. My mother tells me that if I workout, I will be so tired that I will be able to get a good night’s sleep. My soul is too tired without even walking a few steps. I wish she could understand this weariness.

I wish to find at least one person who can love me the way I am thriving for. I want a friend who I can call without having the fear of getting shut down by judgments. I want to get called for no reason and ask me if I am okay. I want to see a missed call or a message when I wake up in the morning so that I wake up with a smile because most of my mornings are very low. I want to be able to get a feeling of comfort to hug him/her tightly for hours so that I can wash away the pain I have accumulated in all these years. I am yearning for such a connection that doesn’t shut me down for loving someone intensely because this is who I am.

I am unable to achieve balance in my relationships. This is why I sometimes feel to cut out just all of them. But I love all of them so much that even if I want to, I cannot do that. Because in any case, I have to suffer. I cannot even explain this to anyone because none other than my therapist is going to understand this.

Sometimes I feel this is one of the symptoms of borderline personality disorder and I should take an anxiety pill or watch a TV series. Then I remember the hard-hitting statement – “Meghna, you need a constant in your life”. Then I tell myself that getting my constant is all a dream. I am so messed up that I should go back to what I do. I should not think about how I feel about being deprived of love. I should remember what I wrote earlier that, I get happy when I wipe out the tears of others.  I have already learned to live alone and gave up on love. So, I do not want a constant in my life.

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