A Dream which does not let me sleep

Honorable Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam said – “Dream is not that which you see while sleeping it is something that does not let you sleep”. I see dreams every night, but I always yearned for a dream like this which does not let me sleep. I could not imagine what it feels like to have an aim in life, a purpose in life that is bigger than myself. After spending 30 years of my life, I found a purpose that enlightened my soul. I have started dreaming with open eyes. This definitely did not happen overnight. My soul cut into a million different pieces. I failed and gave up several times, but fortunately, I had some people into my life who never gave up on me. At times, when I had no one, I gathered all the courage to stand up again. So, here I was – a completely new version of myself. I took a rebirth from my own ashes.

I have been taking therapy for the past 3 years now and it has helped me tremendously. I leave no stone unturned to create awareness on the importance of mental health and encourage people to come forward if they need medical attention or guidance. Some friends and acquaintances have approached me, and I share their pain in whatever way I can. A couple of days back, I was talking to one of my friends. I have been able to help him only to some extent because of the distance. I was worried about him and I prayed to God after a long time. We both shared our pain and at that moment, we healed each other.

I am feeling I am heading home. I quenched my thirst for connection, of belonging, and of peace. I closed my eyes and waited for tears to drench my soul to wash away the pain I endured, but tears were not enough for my soul to attain peace. This was when I was enlightened with the path to solace. Happiness can only be obtained by wiping tears, peace can only be achieved by resolving conflict.

When I went to bed that night, all I could think of how I could work on creating awareness on mental health in Indian society. What should be the agenda? Or should I conduct a survey first? I have already been doing extensive research on how to form an NGO. But I was concerned about the funding and how I would continue it with my job. I could barely sleep that night.

This was when I remembered the quote by respectable Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam “Dream is not that which you see while sleeping it is something that does not let you sleep”. I feel so fortunate to have found my dream which does not let me sleep.


It is okay not to have a plan

‘We plan, God laughs’ – I did not believe, or experienced until a few days ago. I came to Tampa, Florida in October 2019 with a hope to start a new life. I had a perfect one year plan to work on myself and call my family here. But nothing worked or is working so far as per my “plan”.

I first came to USA in 2013 and stayed here for just an year. My work trip ended up unexpectedly by a life threatening disease and I came back to India in 2015. Living alone in a foreign country is a very tough task and people around are not as supportive as they are in our own country. I never imagined to come back here until 2017 when I decided to give my life in US one more chance, little did I know my life would turn upside down in this tenure.I went through the worst physically and mentally. I barely bounced back to life last year until I came to Tampa in October to start all over again. Life offered me few more surprises and shocks and I am still processing them.

So it is okay not to have a plan because we do not know how our life may change in a moment. I have learned this the hard way and it took my 30 years to finally be free from the burden of planning. Let us learn from the failures because they had something to teach us and celebrate the success because we deserve to be happy. So let us try not to plan and have faith because anything and everything can change in a moment.


The damage is done but it did not stop me

My heart just pounded. I am feeling the same heaviness and discomfort in my chest, the same pit in my stomach; which I used to feel all the time during my tenure in Baltimore. 

The toxicity around me was killing me slowly. I felt trapped in a bubble which is filled with chaos and negativity. This bubble was invisible to all. The vibes of people around me added fuel to the fire which was capable enough to burn me in that bubble, but not enough to destroy me completely. I begged the pain to stop.

My hands are trembling while writing this down. Seeing those names on social media, hearing about those people from others in a random conversation, does this to me. While I do realize that I am completely over him, his memories do not affect me anymore; he didn’t give me the closure because he was looking for closure himself. But I don’t know why the thought of others still impact me to this extent. May be because I still haven’t got my answers as to why they made it worse. Irony is, they don’t know they made it worse.

Each time I struggle with these feelings, I fail to get any answers and I probably never will. I wish there would be a way to burn or block these memories forever. But I know I have to live with this. The damage is done. I can only hope to stop feeling this way, that one day these memories won’t affect me anymore. I am glad about one thing though; I know that I was being prepared for the greater good. I would not have become this strong without the journey. So, I am happy because I know the purpose of my existence. I am proud to be who I am today!!!