I Know Why People Kill Themselves

Trigger Warning: Depression, Self-Harm

The only person I can trust more than me is my therapist. I feel paralyzed. Humans are so cruel. I want to live in a world, where we can take care of each other. I am living in a world where even after asking for help, people are rejecting, and the seeker is in disbelief. I know why Sushant killed himself. Who knows how much he might have tried to express his pain? Indeed, he was a brilliant, compassionate, and kind soul. When he was alive, not even one person in his life was able to take away his pain. I am glad that you are gone. You were too good for this selfish and cruel world Sushant. While in the session today, I wasn’t even able to communicate with my therapist. Sometimes, words aren’t sufficient to describe your feelings. A couple of days ago, this world has proved to me somehow that I do not belong here. This is the beginning of my end.

I have so many dreams and plans for the future, not for myself, but for this world. I have suffered so much in the past, not because of the mental illness, but the stigma around it in society. My colleagues in the IT company where I work (even the senior management & HR), their families, made it worse for me and made sure that I am left alone whenever I tried to mingle even after I recovered. I knew exactly who all they were who did that to me intentionally, but I did not carry any grudges against anyone. I saw these acts as ‘Lack of empathy’. I would be happy if it were for a personal vendetta, but their lack of empathy worried me because this showed me a bigger picture. I always dreamt about opening my own organization which will solely be based on mental health. In this world, where humans are so selfish, running after money, power, and fame, how can I cultivate empathy? But I never gave up. 

A couple of days ago, I could feel my nerves at the back of my head as if they were slicing the inside of my brain. I have been living with this pain for the past 5 years and it has become a part of me now because it never leaves me alone. But when this wave of panic attack hits me, my head spins and all the sound near me suddenly becomes noise for me.

I don’t feel safe anymore. I want to scream in pain, but all I can do is allow my eyes to burst out in tears. I need to hold hands. I need a tight hug and a soft voice to tell me that I will get through this. All I get is a Deja vu of the time I spent in Baltimore. I used to call my friends in India. But now there is a difference. My parents are right here with me. My friends in India now know what I have been through in detail. I have a lovely friend here in Tampa and she lives nearby.  I am volunteering in two NGOs. I write my own blog and I write on YKA. I am a proud mental illness survivor. I have been helping people heal, break stigma around mental illness, and seek help.  Despite all that, I am scared to connect to any of them. Because I am scared that no one will understand me. Not because they wouldn’t believe me, because I do not believe myself anymore. 

So, it was one of those days. Tears started rolling down my cheeks. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to sink at that moment. I wanted to speak to someone, but who? I saw a Facebook friend online, whose name I cannot disclose. I met him online recently, who works for a non-profit organization. He is a humble guy. I pinged him and told him that I do not know why I pinged him and I need help. To this day, he has not responded. I cried for help by texting a person on Instagram who also owns a huge digital platform. For this guy, I can give him a benefit of doubt because he must be getting thousands of messages. I also pinged in my mental illness NGO group which I am volunteering. Many read the messages, yet they chose to remain silent on my agonyI know I should not be judging people for not responding to me. I know that I do not know what might be going on at the other end. But what about me? I reached out to not one, two, three but more than 10, not completely unknown people. Most of them work in the area of mental health, and yet no one showed up. Ironic. Isn’t it?

This event broke me completely that day. I am not holding anyone responsible for feeling. But this is how I feel now. 

I waited. I waited for an hour for a text message, a phone call. I stared at my screen. But guess what? It was blank, unlike my mind which struggled to settle down for a moment. I feel like a toy these days who have to juggle between two different roles. The one I am writing in is the intense crazy one. The constant shuffling is way too stressful.

Then I introspected myself. What could be the possible reason? Either I am overthinking, or they did it intentionally.

If I am overthinking, then I have crossed that line of mental condition which needs a lot of work. So, at the beginning of this year, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder Traits by my Psychiatrist over the phone call. I sat along with my therapist discussed and we realized that since we had to do a lot of other trauma healing over the past few years, it may have been there already, and we never found out because of the ongoing trauma. My parents are here with me for the past 4 months and I have been in a lot of fights with them. It affects me a lot. I feel my younger brother and I grew up in a totally different house and seen different childhood, especially the early childhood years. For them, the priority is my physical health, weight loss, and marriage. Working on mental health not only is out of the question, but it is also an alien concept for them which comes in with a lot of whys and hows, in short completely unnecessary because it is in my control. My brother thinks he understands mental health and me but when I try to make him understand, he still believes that it is up to us to control our mind. Even the thought of doing these discussions with them is petrifying me. 

Then I calculate the aftermath. I am dead. My parents are tormented. My brother is extremely angry with me to do this with him and our parents. And to be honest, dying isn’t easy. I have attempted multiple times in the past. If I do not want them to suffer, what if I take all them with me? That makes me a killer, right! Last night, we all went to a beach with a couple of friends. I love the water. When I was in the water, seeing the sunset, I wanted to walk towards the Sun until I disappear. I even told my friend to send my parents to India safely. Perhaps, she might have thought I was being poetic. When I was in the shower after coming back home, I started thinking about all of it. I imagine the pain and shame they will feel when they will have to face the world that their daughter killed herself or is labeled as a psycho because that is what they call a patient with mental illness. I recall the faces of my toddler nephew and niece whose aunt will be labeled as someone who killed herself or a killer. I was scared. This isn’t me. I immediately messaged my psychiatrist about how I was feeling. Of course, not about suicide and killing, but about juggling thoughts in my mind and not being able to understand it. I also scheduled a session with my therapist.

I was so anxious at night but managed to sleep. I did not wake up in a very good mood the next morning. All these thoughts were coming up in my mind when I saw myself in the mirror while brushing my teeth. The moment I entered the living room, I saw my parents looking at me and the thought that crossed my mind was – “Kaise sehen kar paayenge yeh log, inhe to maarna hi padega”. And in the next moment, I was having dinner with them. I was drying Maa’s hair so that she doesn’t catch a cold. How can I live so normally with them while having thoughts of murdering them? Even though, those thoughts haven’t manifested yet. I consciously know that I have these kinds of thoughts and they just come and go. But can I be trusted? Are they even safe with me? Like I said, this might be the beginning of my end.


Reasons why is it important to process your pain

The human brain is very complex. Neuroscientists are still exploring as the brain is not fully understood. Every individual is different and so are their emotions and emotional responses to different events in their lives. The way we respond to fear, pain or shock may be different for any individual. I am no scientist or a doctor to talk about the reasons or connections to the brain, but I would like to share my own thoughts based on my experience.

There is a reason why there are different kinds of specialties in this field so that we can take help. While I do understand that in India there is still a lack of awareness, but I also see people around me trying to understand it. Taking professional help does not mean that someone is mad, it means that they are smart enough to understand that there is a problem and strong enough to work on it with some help. So, whenever you feel different or you see that there is some part of you that needs improvement, there is nothing wrong with taking the help.

I saw a very good example yesterday in a TV series where a guy was known to sabotage his relationships, his happiness every time. After a lot of resistance and constant push by his sister, he finally went to a specialist and through the neuro-emotional technique, he was able to understand the reason behind his problem. When he was 10 years old, he won a trophy in a competition. He felt extremely proud, excited and very happy to share the joy with his parents. When he reached home, he came to know that his father passed away and he never told about his trophy to anyone ever. As a 10-year-old, he felt guilty of feeling happy when he lost his father the same day. A child of his age did not understand that he did not know about his father when he was filled with joy on winning the trophy and feeling happy was not his fault. Since then, he was so scared to be happy that he felt emotionally unsafe around joy and ended up ruining it.

After the therapy, there was a clarity in his thoughts and merely by talking about it, he drained the baggage which he carried unknowingly for years. This happens to a lot of people. Some people are aware of the reasons behind a certain behavior, some are not.

Through this example, I am not commenting on how therapy works because that is not my job. I am trying to imply that it is very important to process the emotions. Now that I have a normal environment around me since I moved to Tampa and an ample amount of time to introspect myself, I am realizing that the processing of emotions is very important. Some of us choose to share them with their friends or family, some take therapy. I have started to process my emotions through series which involves love, marriage, divorce, heartbreak, death, accidents and so many other events which invoke a different kind of emotions. Having an intense personality, watching these series gives my feelings a way out and I feel lighter. I feel like I have shared my pain. This experience is similar to talking about it to a friend, only not getting judgments and ‘I told you so’ lines or expressions. It acts as a sponge that absorbs my pain exactly in the same way I want to, which helps me.

This is my way of processing emotions. Similarly, every individual should find a way to process their own feelings else you may end up creating a lot of baggage inside you, which someday, will break you and others in your life very badly.

There are times in my life, when I need such people in my life with whom I can share anything without listening to the things that I did right or wrong, without being told that this is my habit and weakness and I should change it, for this is the reason of my condition today. I have a friend who doesn’t know how to share things. I tried all different ways for him to come up with a way to share his pain with me or anyone in his life, but I failed to do so. He is in a lot of pain and I feel so helpless. I sometimes feel like yelling at him, telling him that he is lucky that he is being offered a platter on which he can bare his soul for once and can see the difference. I wish he can start opening up to someone sometime soon.

Share this post to all who you think are scared to be vulnerable, afraid to share and process their emotions. Take it from someone, who has always opened up and turned her vulnerability to her biggest strength as this makes it possible to know who actually cares about you and is ready to be with you during your darkest hours. Because those who can be with you in your darkness are worthy to be a part of your life. They love you even when you hit rock bottom, they are certainly keepers. 


Vicious cycle of Unresolved Grief

Every human being suffers some kind of loss in their life at different stages. “The response of loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed is Grief.” There are different stages of grief – Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. It is necessary to resolve or address grief to prevent further damage to the soul.

In India, some places have Rudaali tradition. Rudaali Ladies are a group of professional mourners who arrive at the funeral. The impact of their mourning also compels other people at the funeral to cry. I am not commenting on the tradition, but trying to emphasize on the fact that addressing/resolving grief is extremely important.

Grief can not only be an outcome of the death of a loved one, it can also be caused by loss of any kind of relationship. There is a famous quote – “If you don’t heal what hurt you, you will bleed on people who didn’t cut you”. Knowingly or unknowingly, sometimes we hurt each other because of unresolved conflict or grief and it becomes a cycle within the society. Death of a loved one can cause severe depression and it affects the whole family causing damages to people around them, if grief is left unresolved. Break ups in serious romantic relationships often leaves a scar. Partners suffer from complex emotional detachment. When they don’t heal properly, they bleed on others by entering into rebound relationships. This creates a vicious cycle of unresolved grief causing a lot of pain and emotional damage.

It is difficult to understand the implications of this until it comes from our own experience. I was asked a question, few days back that why people do not move on and think constantly about people whom they lost as a result of a conflict or differences. It may not be a big deal for the one who left, but it can cause severe damage to the other one depending on the individual and their personality.

I have a very intense personality. I dive into thoughts very deeply. I am extremely emotional and I give pieces of myself and it shatters me to the core because it doesn’t bounce back. I attract these people very easily because I have so much love to offer and they somehow find comfort and peace in me. But every single time, I am on the receiving end of their unresolved grief and they take away pieces of me. I first started living away from my family 10 years back. Since then, I have lost so many pieces of my soul. I bounce back every time with grace, but I often wonder if I will ever get those pieces back.

There are so many people like me in our society. Unfortunately, some of us are constantly on the giving end of immense love and empathy and not on the receiving end. With each piece of the soul, we need to actively work on healing ourselves so that we can be prepared for the next journey. Each journey creates one more scar and one more painful memory which we want to desperately delete. Other people in this journey move on and do not look back. We end up suffering a lot and go through a painful process to absorb and heal. Some scars create damage to such an extent that there is no point of return.

I am often called as ‘stupid’ from my own family and friends for getting into trouble each time. What they do not understand is that this is who I am. I can change the choice of people I allow to enter my life, but I cannot change my intense personality. Either way, suffering is inevitable because most people aren’t healed and they end up bleeding on people like us.

So let us start healing ourselves first. Let us not sabotage the life of people who love us. Let us spread awareness on the importance of healing to end this vicious cycle of grief.